In Search of Myself…

Wooden bridge across the river

When I was a child, in the school

I never wondered who I was

I was a carefree soul…

Study and play that was all what I did

Never bothered as to who I was…

A good or a bad boy, a dumb or an intelligent student,

I was who I was and never bothered about how or what I was

But as I grew older, in college

I started wondering, who I am

What I will be in life, if I am good…

A good student?, a good son?, a good friend?

I was bothered…bothered about everything

What I studied in college, it was not what I wanted to

But I had no choice, I had to…

You need to be a graduate to be eligible for any job, I was told

And I graduated and still remained unsure of myself…

Who I was, what is my place in this world..

I had dreams; I had the fire…to conquer the world…to show them what I am capable of

But actually, I never knew what I was capable of…

But I was sure, I never wanted to become like a common man

I thought I was different…and I was different, I believed

I was different but doing the same odd things that everyone else was doing around me

But still I believed I was different and never wanted to become like the common man…

Doing the same odd things led into a job, only to make my parents happy

It was an achievement then…to get a good job, ‘good’ directly related to the salary

Could not figure out what was the good in the job…but continued doing it for years,

And still believing I was different and I will show it to the world….I continued with my job

I made some money, bought a house and a big car;

And continued doing the same things as what everyone was doing

Over the years I became more as a Manager, Vice President, Director…

My friends and colleagues too, had more or less similar or even better adjectives

And then suddenly after all these years I realised I was no different from others…

And that I could not show anything different to this world…

And now, there was even no fire left within…

In fact the fire died long-long ago…and I was never ever aware of the fact

And I had only this much to show the world

These few adjectives beside my name…

This is what I could show to this world…in all these years, only this much! What a pity!

And now I ask myself; Are you The Manager or The Vice President or The Director?

No, I am not…I am none of all these, I tell this to myself

 I am none, I repeat again to myself

I am a free soul, I am the master of my own life, I slowly whisper to myself

I want to write my own destiny…even at this stage of my life, I want to write

And whether it makes me or breaks me completely, I care none

But I want to be the writer of my life’s drama, my life’s karma

And no one should dictate me my terms

And No, I don’t want to be anyone else…

And neither wants to carry the heavy burden of those phoney adjectives…

I am the wanderlust, the painter, the writer…an artist

Let me see this world as the wanderlust, as a painter, as a writer…as an artist

I take this small step forward…to see the world, in search of myself…

Note : Written in autumn of 2012